


Hair of the Dog

by sagametis



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-18
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:33:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21839761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sagametis/pseuds/sagametis
Summary: Recently back from a holiday with Remus at his family cottage, Sirius can't seem to get the other boy out of his head.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recently back from a holiday with Remus at his family cottage, Sirius can't seem to get the other boy out of his head.

SIRIUS

Sirius was finally going insane.

Why else would he find himself wanting to rip Remus to shreds? Everything Remus did now drove him up the wall, which was odd, considering they'd spent all of Christmas break together without incident. Sirius felt like he was walking the thin wire of sanity, and it was a long way down on either side.

x x x

The Lupins have a modest, secluded cottage out on the moors, and the boys had made plans to stay there for the week. James, the predictable git that he is, abandoned them all at the last minute when he found out the Evans girl would be at Hogwarts all break. He didn't take kindly to Sirius' suggestion that she might appreciate not seeing his lovesick mug for a few days. Peter chose to stay, as well. Sirius guessed that a werewolf turning in the cellar wasn't really Peter's idea of a jolly Christmas, even with ole Padfoot keeping guard. Sirius promised to let him tie a few bells to his wagging tail, but somehow that didn't sway the other boy.

Honestly, Sirius had had fun. Which possibly said something pitiful about him.

The cottage was about an hour's hard ride from Hogwarts. He'd raced Remus there and won, naturally, but lost points on the landing. Sirius had been pleasantly surprised, even before they'd got inside, and he was sure Remus had noticed. The git had practically beamed with pride as they had stamped through the gate.

Morrighan Cottage was a sweet old thing... like a gingerbread house come to life. It even smelled faintly of nutmeg and molasses.

Remus waxed poetic of all the "old magick," keeping the stones knit together as they froze their arses on the doorstep. Sirius managed to spit out a few choice words through his chattering teeth before Remus had conspiratorial whisper with the pug-faced door knocker. It gave a pitiful roar, and then the door finally swung open.

The maintenance charms on the place were extensive but had apparently not considered dust within their purview. Remus had made short work of housekeeping with a few spells that were quite simple. He'd scolded Sirius, who'd escaped to explore the cellar and deemed it suitable for a changing. Mostly to feel more useful, and less like a spoiled brat who didn't know how to cast detergeo.

Remus had turned two days after they'd arrived, and spent the rest of the week recuperating. Through Christmas Eve to Boxing Day, he'd stared absently at nothing, battered and glassy-eyed. Sirius had spent all his time in dog form because he was a coward, and it was just easier to have an excuse for the silence.

By the end of the week, Remus was eating again without Sirius nipping at his ankles. They scarfed down copious amounts of pie, big greasy bangers, and thick slabs of warm, buttered bread from a loaf that had just appeared in the oven. No eggs, though; those hadn't taken kindly to Sirius' broom landing. Remus had read books too, as he'd sat bundled up in the snow-capped garden laughing incredulously as a distant speck of black dog chased rabbits through the snow. It had been a long week, and Sirius was deliriously happy to be running under the sky again.

A shining sliver of that miserable holiday had been bliss.

x x x

Some days, Sirius smelled Remus before he saw him. This was one of those days.

"You're up early," Remus said, collapsing into the chair across from him. Sirius shrugged.

Looking down at his oatmeal, Sirius tried to compose himself. It was surprisingly tricky to focus on his now congealing breakfast. The flecks of cinnamon seemed to be forming an all-too-familiar pattern of freckles. He gave up and looked around the mostly-empty Great Hall.

It was ridiculously early. Sirius was notorious for lazing in bed until the very last minute and pulling on yesterday's robes before showing up five minutes late to class, gloriously crumpled. Yet he was, with over an hour before our first class together. Sirius was only here because he knew the others would still be in bed. He'd just wanted a few moments of quiet to think without Remus walking, sleeping, studying, or breathing next to him.

He took a moment to adjust to the sound of Remus's steady breathing. Adjusting to his maddening proximity and his smell (Irish soap, peppermint, damp hair, and just him) took more effort. I risk a glance at my dear, still-living-and-breathing friend and instantly regret it.

Remus was the picture of health, expertly shoveling eggs into his mouth as he skimmed through a large book. The color was back in his cheeks, and the bruises had faded. His brows knitted together as a focused wrinkle etched itself into his forehead. Sirius allowed himself to examine Remus' infuriating face, which he argued internally, was a perfectly healthy exercise in the arts of observation. Sirius promptly lost that argument. A moment later, he felt a shock run through him as Remus stuck out a tongue to lick some invisible substance off his top lip.

"I'm going to kill him." This thought formed right before Sirius suppressed the urge to sink his teeth into Remus' neck. Sirius picked up a spoon, filled his mouth with cold oatmeal, and chewed-- slowly.

As if he could sense that he'd become the subject of inner turmoil, Remus looked up at Sirius absently, without really seeing him. Sirius felt a flash of infuriation warm his face before remembering that he wanted to be invisible. Remus was reading was mulling over whatever he was reading, and continued to gaze absently at the air above Sirius' head. Remus releases a soft, resigned sigh.

A low growl of frustration snapped them both out of their thoughts. Remus shot Sirius a wide-eyed look of concern, and Sirius realized that the desperate, almost pleading sound was coming from his own throat.

Sirius slackened his jaw and stood quickly. Possibly a little too fast, because now his head was swimming... but it might have been doing that already.

"Don't feel well, going back to bed," Sirius managed to grit out. Without waiting for an answer, he strode towards the large doors leading out of the hall. He could feel the heat in his face: his excuse sounded pathetic, even to him.

He slowed his pace once he was away from the Great Hall, and then stopped suddenly, startling a trio of first years. He realized he wasn't even sure where he was escaping to. He half-heartedly kicked a pillar, and the first-years fled, seemingly deciding that breakfast wasn't worth confronting a deranged upperclassman.

Sirius then turned on his heel and stalked towards the Gryffindor dormitories: maybe some more sleep would do him some good.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus sees Sirius slip away from the common room after missing potions class.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Suicidal Ideation

REMUS

Remus wasn't sure why Sirius was avoiding him, just that he was.

He had noticed it as soon as they had returned from Morrighan Cottage. He only needed to step foot into the same room as Sirius for the other boy to slink away to whatever dark corner he disappeared into when Remus went looking for him with no luck.

In his secluded cubicle, tucked into a receded alcove of the Hogwarts library, Remus Lupin sighed dejectedly at the sight of his still-blank parchment. The assignment on the Cassandrian methods for interpreting starling murmurations in prophetic dreams would have been simple enough had he not been so distracted. He had spent the last two days back at Hogwarts in what could only be described as the early stages of emotional implosion. Every time he thought about Sirius, his chest grew tight and he felt as though his whole existence could crumple into itself.

It hurt more than he cared to admit. If Sirius could grow to hate him, what chance did he gave with James, Peter, or even Dumbledore? Maybe they were beginning to see the parts of him that he tried so hard to drown in daylight.

Winter was always the hardest. The shorter days plunged him so quickly into the darkness that it took all his strength not to crawl back into bed and wait for the safe, assuring sunrise.

Nights were rarely safe for him anymore. The nightmares had begun after his first full moon; they had been infrequent and sporadic but now it was every night. He was plagued with horrifying images, more than images, of himself. He changed painfully, hurt innocent people... and even, to his horror, created monsters like himself.

Lately, he would also find himself fantasizing about ending the fear and pain, still with the knowledge that he had not hurt anyone yet. He would imagine walking to the bottom of the lake and relinquishing himself to whatever lurked down there, or more simply, flinging himself off the observatory tower.

He didn't plan on doing either, but those thoughts calmed him when he was at his worst. A fact that sometimes troubled him as must as anything else.

He gave up on the assignment that he had meant to finish over the break, packed up his parchment and quill and struggled to tuck the extremely large book, Madeleine Livadeia’s _The Lazy Apprentice’s Guide to Dream-Augury_ , under his arm with some effort. He would be late for his first class of the day if he didn't leave soon, and Potions was the only class that he wasn't fed up with by now.

x x x

"Where's Pads? I haven't seen him all day." James hissed conspiratorially in Remus's ear as Professor Slughorn allowed his students to mill about the potions class looking for partners.

"In bed still I suppose, said he felt sick this morning." Remus felt a twinge of guilt at repeating Sirius's obvious lie, and then a wave of annoyance at both Sirius and himself that he had done it without a second thought.

"Alright... well, I'm pairing with Evans." Remus shrugged at sat by an unclaimed cauldron, then shot a knowing look at James, who smirked and rolled his eyes before rushed off to claim the brilliant Muggle-born girl before anyone else did.

Remus ended up pairing with Clarity Sweetgrass, a fellow sixth year from Gryffindor. She was nice enough and seemed to know her way around a potions cupboard, but even so, they both had trouble with the Draught of Sleeping Death. Every so often Slughorn would pass by and peek into their cauldron and give and ominous 'tsk' that neither felt boded well for their little dormouse taste-tester.

"This is ridiculous" Clarity whispered fervently after the Potions Master's third round, "The class is almost up and it doesn't look anything like the book says. I've got half a mind to quit my N.E.W.T.S if they're going to torture us like this for the next two years, we can't possibly learn anything if they don't give us time to get it right!"

Remus was murmuring in agreement when Slughorn began to splutter praises from across the classroom.

"Magnificent! Just... absolutely... good job my boy!" Slughorn exclaimed. Remus looked up, craning his neck just in time to see Slughorn patting a slightly indignant Severus Snape across the back. Snape looked like he would object at the assault, but settled on a gloating look that seemed to be directed mostly at James and Lily.

"Fifty points to Slytherin. Oh, and Miss Evans! Yes, yours isn't bad at all for a first try. Ten points to Gryffindor. Though, I should add that Severus's potion is also far from done..." Slughorn began.

Snape's indignation turned to open disdain as he sensed the beginnings of criticism.

"I'm still simmering it, sir. I would have added the Hellebore in a few minutes, but it seems you haven't left us enough time. Not that your story on how you single-handedly invented the cure for wuzzlepox wasn't absolutely fascinating." Despite Snape’s insufferable reputation, chuckles rippled around the class as students packed up, and Slughorn's elation was visibly dampened as he dismissed them.

Remus caught up with James and Lily as they headed back towards the common room. He could sense that James was more than displeased about Snape, but knew that he would restrain himself in front of Lily, thankfully. Remus just didn't have the energy or will to tag along with James as he taught Snape another 'lesson'.

The trio entered Gryffindor’s common room, and as Remus was making his way up the stairs leading towards the boy's dormitory, he felt a prickling on the back of his neck that made him turn around just in time to spot Sirius slipping out through the Fat Lady's painting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Christmas! I'll be posting this and two more chapters today. The fifth should hopefully be back on schedule next week.
> 
> Again, any comments and critiques/corrections are really, really appreciated.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius is bad at hiding, Remus is good at seeking... even when drunk. And he's quite drunk.

SIRIUS

Sirius was trying to convince himself that avoiding Remus was the best thing he could do for him, for both of them really. He still felt guilty sneaking around the castle, and more than a little silly camping out in secret passageways. He had settled into the one behind the large mirror two floors above the Gryffindor entrance, like a runaway child that dared not go too far from home. He had been carrying the Marauders Map with him all day, occasionally bringing it out to assure himself that Remus was nowhere in sight or smell of him.

The common room had been a close call; he'd fallen asleep in a large armchair facing the fire and luckily neither Remus or James had spotted him. He had roamed the halls for quite a bit until he could no longer ignore his hunger and went looking for a house-elf in the Hogwarts Kitchens, hoping he could talk one of them into rounding him up an early dinner. He'd eaten practically nothing at breakfast and had spent the better part of the day in the library, trying to figure out what in Merlin's name was wrong with him. Remus may be driving him crazy, Sirius told himself, but at least he had the self-awareness to know that he _shouldn't._

Being near him filled him with this unfamiliar, hungry feeling that made him want to punch him in the face just so it would stop. He hadn't wanted to admit it, but even if he felt more in control when Remus wasn't around, a jab of bitter loneliness would form and grow in the pit of his stomach until he saw him again. The map helped with that a little. He wasn't proud of stalking his friend's every move, but it did help a little to know where Remus was, and imagine what he was up to from a safe distance.

"I must look a sight," he mumbled to himself. "Bundled up in a dark hole feeling sorry for myself". To his credit, he had tried to make the passage livable. He'd 'borrowed' blankets and pillows from a linen closet while he was down near the kitchens and a large rug from one of the hallways on the fourth floor that he was sure no one would miss.

Remus's bed was right next to his in the dormitory, and there would be no avoiding him if he spent the night there. The secret passage was cold, but at least it wasn't wet or drafty.

Sirius was congratulating himself on his resolve and determination when the door to the passage creaked open.

x x x

"Lumos."

Sirius bolted upright from his nest of blankets and turkey sandwiches and turned toward the door, wand at the ready, only to be blinded by the bright light.

"What are you playing at, you git?"

Remus lowered his wand and Sirius stood, allowing him to now see his friend's face. He shivered, partly from the cold but mostly because Remus's face was contorted into an expression of anger that Sirius had never seen quite so distilled.

Remus was never angry. He sighed, and pouted, and had this disappointed face that made Sirius want to stand in a corner with his face to the wall... but he was never this angry. He looked away.

"Well?!" Remus stepped closer in what Sirius assumed was meant as a threatening gesture, but all of a sudden they were much too close. If he looked up, he could probably count every freckle on the other boy's face illuminated by his still glowing wand.

"Back off!" Sirius snapped. A stunned silence punctuated the fierce anger being directed his way, and Sirius took the opportunity to brush past the other boy.

"Where the hell are you going now!"

Sirius had barely registered being pushed up against the wall before he found himself overwhelmed by the smell of peppermint, firewhisky, and Remus Lupin.

"You're drunk." He said it as calmly and evenly as he could, which was a feat considering that he was simultaneously considering how easily he could overpower his slightly shorter, and slightly swaying friend.

Sirius sighed. "Just back up... please? I don't want to hurt you or anything, I won't go anywhere, I just need a little room." He was looking up at the ceiling, and it had come out quieter than he had intended, almost a whisper. For a moment he thought he would have to repeat himself, but then Remus let go of his sweater and shuffled back unsteadily.

"Why would you hurt me?"

For the third time that day, Sirius went against his better judgment and looked right at Remus.

He really needed to stop doing that.

'I preferred it when you were angry' was the first thought that crossed his mind. The next one was "God and Merlin. If he keeps looking at me like that I really am going to have to kill him'. Anger and disappointment were one thing, but the look of accusing, unrestrained hurt that Remus had trained on him was quite another.

Oh God... and why the hell was he so drunk?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still working out how much- ahem... action is going to be in this. I sure it's going to pretty tame; I'd like to work on plot and my writing style for a few fanfics before I attempt anything that requires mental choreography and, of course, the discard of all shame and scruples (joking).
> 
> As always, feedback is always appreciated!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Remus and Sirius *gasp* talk to each other.

REMUS

This was why Remus didn’t drink.

He knew he should be annoyed at Sirius, maybe even ask him why he was slinking around like a poltergeist in a tone that says “there is no good reason to be slinking around like a poltergeist, you prat”. He could have even tried expressing concern. After all, he did find this all very concerning.

He wasn’t supposed to fall apart. He wasn’t supposed to cry. His heart was not supposed to be breaking. Most importantly, he should not have been blurting all this out between desperate sobs, and this is why he didn’t drink.

“This is why I don’t drink. Just tell me why now, why all of a sudden,” Remus asked.

He let go of Sirius’ jumper and stepped back, scrubbing angrily at his teary face and not caring to hide it. Suddenly he felt empty and lightheaded and there was something final in his own plea that reassured him that the uncontrollable words had stopped springing past his lips for the moment. The room seemed to spin slowly as he sat down on the pile of blankets and looked everywhere but Sirius.

Remus was suddenly aware that he was an intruder. The soft blankets were still warm from Sirius’s body. He glared miserably at a book laid facedown in the way he’d always chided Sirius for. He picked up the smell of cooling Earl Grey and the bacon sandwiches stacked neatly on a wooden bed tray beside him.

He jumped a little when the voice came.

“Pads. I really can’t talk to you when you’re like this,”

Remus threw Sirius an accusing look, and the other boy gave a resigned sigh, leaning away from the wall. He seemed to deliberate for a long moment before he made his way over to the pillowy nest. He sat at arms-length from Remus.

“Why are you avoiding us? It feels like you’re avoiding me.”

“I’m not I just-”

Remus scoffed again, he couldn’t help it, and Sirius pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. Remus was the one that usually did that. Remus was the one who babysat everyone, even Peter, and nursed them through their hangovers. 

Drinking made Remus feel out of control, and he relished every second he could feel control of all his urges and emotions.

“It started after we got back from Morrighan-”

“What started?” Remus blurted out, now almost breathless at the prospect of an explanation.

“Just… all the stuff. With you. I think it’s because I spent so much time around you, you know, as Pads. It felt… good, at the time. It made it easy to tell how you were feeling, and it was easier not to talk.” Sirius looked a little sheepish at that last bit.

Remus looked away in shame, the heat creeping up his neck. “I understand”, he said, more evenly and clearly than he’d said anything else all night.

“I don’t see how you could”, Sirius seemed to say this just as much to himself, “I don’t really understand it myself... how I keep feeling like a belong to you.”

Remus turned to Sirius sharply, “Belong?”

The other boy shrugged.

“You’re right. I don’t understand. Keep talking.”

Sirius then gave an exasperated groan and collapsed backward, looking up at the ceiling before closing his eyes. They stayed like that for a long while as Remus listened to Sirius’ breath even out, wondering if this was his cue to leave. Finally, Sirius spoke.

“It’s like all the stuff I feel with Pads, knowing how you feel, how you smell, wanting to be close to you, and even…” Sirius seemed to hesitate, “wanting you to scratch me behind the ears”. He let out a half-hearted chuckle.

Remus laughed incredulously, and it may have come out a bit hysterical.

“You’re avoiding me because you want me to pet you?”

Sirius grimaced, still with his eyes closed, and Remus felt himself flush as a less-than-wholesome interpretation of that scenario popped into his head, and he turned away glad the other boy couldn’t see.

“I can tell you’re embarrassed. And confused, naturally.” Sirius said as he sat up again, slowly.

Remus was. He was also more than a little unnerved.

“Can you turn it off?”

“Don’t you think I would have tried that, you git?” Sirius snapped, and it felt like the most natural exchange they had had all night.

“Does it hurt, or anything?”

Sirius seemed to consider this seriously. “Sort of, I guess? It’s more like treading water, or at least it was. These days it feels more like swimming against the current.” He sighed.

“Well, would it help?” Remus asked tentatively.

“Would _what_ help?”

“Petting you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said before, this is not going to get super explicit. A bit of fluff, a bit of angst, some making out- you get the idea.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed! The next chapter should be up in a week.
> 
> Edit: Sorry if you're reading this and wondering where I disappeared to! I really want to finish this but I've been having trouble seeing where this is going to go (suggestions/requests are welcome) so I think this will be semi-abandoned for now while I work on other things and try to get the creative juices (and self-discipline) back up and running.
> 
> Thank you x

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first attempt at a fanfic. Feedback would be really appreciated!
> 
> Chapters will ideally be posted once a week.
> 
> Thank you ~


End file.
